I know nobody cares but

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:43:06 GMT

I can honestly say that every single "best friend" I've ever had in my entire life has left me. Except Monica, but that's because our relationship is based on talking and not hanging out. But everyone else, for one reason or another, is out of my life and I am now alone. Where did I go wrong? Maybe I am an asshole. Maybe I'm different. Maybe I refuse to pretend to be something that I am not to get people to like me. But now I'm going through the hardest time in my life and I have no one to be there for me, to let me sleep at their house or sleep at mine and play video games all night, to drink with, to smoke with, to tell me where I've went wrong and what I need to do. Think of all the stuff you do with your best friend, or your 2 or 3 best friends. Think about all the shit you do with any of your friends. And all of the things they do with their friends. I'm not doing any of that. I was never there. Never invited, never thought of. I don't know why, and I really don't care, but that leads up to so many more problems. I honestly feel like I am such a good person. Whenever I have or see a problem, I try to fix it. I am way too smart for my own good. I'm a thinker. But my life means nothing to anybody but my family. Any I can't even sit in the same room as them anymore. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not close with them at all. I can't talk to them about any problems I have. They don't even know me. So when they see me, they can only make smalltalk.

How's school? I failed out of Oneonta. Then I failed the next semester as Suffolk. I also failed all my classes last semester. So basically, I'm a fucking failure.

How's your girlfriend? Well we just broke up because we're both depressed and I stress myself out every day trying to make her happy but I can't do anything to make her happy and she thinks I'm a terrible boyfriend. If we were going out, she wouldn't be here because she hates being around my family. And no she still doesn't have a job. But I can't do anything to help her with that because she's sick of hearing that shit.

How's your job? It's not a good job for someone who's depressed because you have to fake being happy and be nice to people all the time - even the ones who are angry and make you feel like shit. I am constantly working when I am there and always putting effort into doing everything I can to do the best job that I can. I'm always doing things that other people should be doing, and I feel like I do more work than anyone else there, including my boss. And I guess I don't get paid enough because I work all the time and I have NOOOOOOO money. I started a savings account. I actually have 3 bank accounts and none of them have money in them anymore. And yes, I CAN get movies for free but I never have the time to watch as many as I would like. And every single day I work people will ask me about them and I'll have to explain to them that I just don't have the time to watch all the new movies, so I have no idea what they are about and what is good or bad. They think I'm terrible at my job.

I don't know how to talk to people. Especially small-talk. If you're ever thinking about talking to me because we're near each other and you are thinking about saying something meaningless about the weather or asking about my school life or complimenting my hair or saying i need it cut or just fucking ANYTHING that doesn't matter, then just save your fucking breath. It makes me sick. It really, really does. This is how I feel with my family - the only ones who care that I exist - if they even do. I can't speak for everybody. But what if they weren't my family? What if we just met at work or at school or wherever else people meet (please let me know because I have no friends) then would you care for me? Probably not. So who gives a shit that someone might have some of the same genes as you? I sure don't¹.

I've heard somewhere that our ancestry can be traced back to all coming from something like 6 different human beings. Some people believe 2. If that's the case, then what makes your cousin, uncle, aunt, brother, different from anybody else? What makes them different from that person you just called a faggot, the person you just stole something from, the person you just stabbed in the back, and all the people you just don't give a shit about?? Please be kind to me and all of your brothers. Please.

And hey, if you're looking for a friend, give me a try. In fact, if any of you ever need anything at all, I am always here. Anything.

Give More. Give Everything. Give Blood.

¹Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I really do like my family. I just think the idea of loving someone just because they are related to you is silly.

the internet is for lovers

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 07:58:15 GMT

I got this great idea the other night about a "two-player internet" for couples and curious buddies around the world. Up until now, the internet is single player. This is unfortunate for many because sometimes you need to surf the web with your buddies or your girl, you know, and nobody likes to have to sit around for someone else to do it single player.

So now I'm trying to come up with some ideas for summer projects to implement this. Any thoughts?

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 21:28:12 GMT

the past few weeks have been amazing.
my birthday was amazing.
heather is amazing.
last night was amazing.

thank you p. diddy. I owe you one.

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 22:13:55 GMT

new friends only journal

cutcutcutcutttt

I know nobody cares but

the internet is for lovers

Everybody watch this